fuck it

i can't be funny on purpose, just read my other blog

the "duel t-shirt"

I don't know how well a conversation would go with a person wearing this shirt - probably awkward...

unless that person is me.

cookie puss

Today I was reading a post White Lightning wrote about something called a cookie puss.  After reading this term in context a couple of times , I had to google this "cookie puss" to find the lost meaning of the term.

As it turns out, this is a cookie puss:

What in God's name is that thing and why is it called a COOKIE PUSS?  This cake/treat confection is sheer ugly and would scare me if I ever received one.  I'm not a pervert, but a cake was not what came to mind when I imagined what it was.  

On a sidenote, this reminds me of those times where somebody uses an everyday term and you forget what it means, so you go with what it sounds like. (cocker-spaniel, anyone?)   This is usually a disaster for me because I either A) can't figure out what they're talking about so I make up some bs or I B) ask what they mean and they'll be like, "STYUUUPID Maddie, go fall in a ditch over and over again until you figure out what a 'cockpit' is.  Impudent girl!"

For reals, Boo, there are some words / terms I can't figure out the origin of and I just get lost when confronted with them in civilized conversation. (snickerdoodle, Puss'n Boots, anthropomorphism... WHAT THE HELL YA TALKIN ABOUT?)

I think that for my sake, and for the sake of the children (they are our future), I think we should rid the English language of any/all phrases that kill my already sucky conversations.

Cookie puss.

professional conversationalist

I think if a professional conversationalist were ever to listen in on my conversations he or she would be baffled at my inability to focus on a conversation.

Example:

Me: "Where you going to college?"

X:    "Earth University, you?"

Me: "Your mom's college, haha but no seriously do you like the show Big Love?"

X:    "Ummm, no, I haven't seen it."

Me: "Oh, well - nevermind."

        (Long pause)

Me: "Well, I think you should keep playing/doing *$?** in college."

X:    "What?  Oh yeah, sure."

Me: "Yeah, I just realized I have to go check my light switches, bye."

X:    "WTF is she talking about?"

You get the picture.  How else am I supposed to end a boring/confusing conversation and not make my self look like an incompetent jackal?  I just thought of a great exit line:

    "Did you hear something?  WAIT - did you hear that ticking sound?  OHMYGOD.  BOMB it's a bomb RUUUUN!"

And then we commence emptying the room, in which case I'm not going to have to finish whatever bs I was talking about.  Unless I'm talking about cookie pusses.  Do any of you even know what that is?  Oh shit new idea new idea.

On anticipation

Another thing which I can't tell whether it's funny or sad:

Today while on that corporate controlled social networking site (aka facebook), I kept hearing that *pop* sound that happens whenever somebody chats at you.  (not with you, if I refuse to answer, it's because I don't want to be chatted at)

ANYWAYS - every time I heard that little *pop* sound, I would look down where the dialogue box should be in anticipation of some life-changing conversation.  Perhaps one of my chums wanted to share an epic tale or maybe X would randomly ask me to ball. (no chance of that)

Instead, whenever I shot my line of sight down to that area, I saw blank: no chat.  This happened a couple of times and I figured that someone was playing a cheeky prank on me.  After the fifth time I heard that *pop* with no chat, I realized it was my stomach making that sound because I'm hungry.  Plain and simple, I've duped myself.  Again.

Is this the kind of story I can share with people?  If you probably wanted to kill yourself reading this, it was probably a sucky narrative.

You know how in every circle of friends there's that one person who feels compelled to share every random story that comes into his or her head?  I AM THAT PERSON GOD DAMMIT.  I need to find a treatment facility for this kind of thing (no loco).  Help me to help you, where is that thick line drawn?  

I think stories that embarrass the teller deserve to be told, because they happen.  But this tale, I feel bad for you for reading the whole thing.  Have you nothing better to do?  Oh wait. no, because, like myself, you're procrastinating like it's going out of style.

*upon furthur inspection I realize that this post makes no sense and the next one is gonna be smooth like butta.

Starter of the day

Good way to start a conversation #1

"I believe I knew your mother..."

"So um... how about this weather?"

And such other great conversation starters.

For those who know me, it's no secret that I'm an awkward conversationalist. Put me in a classroom, at the dinner table, or at a party, and I'm bound to fuck. shit. up. via awkward topic of choice. It's an art, really.

Often I find myself wondering "Self, how could I have possibly avoided this awkward situation, preventing myself and those around me anguish and scarring embarrasment?". The answer: bring it out into the open, acknowledge the awkward. This blog is going to be dedicated to the conversations that we shouldn't have, that we refuse to have, and that we hate to have. I plan to, one day, have catalagued every topic, conversation story, and joke imaginable that makes our skin crawl.

But don't fret, kids. You're invited, too! Got a story? Please please please share it with me so we can glorify it here foreverrrrrrr. (Or at least until I keep coming up with ideas)